musings

after poppy's being diagnosed with CRF, i had spent days crying.
and then i had to go to work the next day with swollen, heavy eyes.
then as days went by and i got more information about CRF, the tears reduced a little.
i am back to a semblance of my usual self, but also, it's mostly work that dilutes my sadness.

basically, as helen writes in her CRF website, nothing about your cat has changed after the vet's visit - all that's changed is your perception.
it's true - poppy's still the same cat, bumbling and lovable.
what's changed is the owner - me.
it's how i look at poppy now. and even meowmeow.
every little pat, every little belly rub now seems more significant and i treasure every wet nose kiss, every head butt and every belly exposing episodes.
but it is also the every little bits that i treasure bring a little sharp stab of pain stemming from the acute awareness that one day it might all be taken away from me.
someone said that it's going to happen one day anyway, unless, well, if i get banged by a car tomorrow and i go first.
but it's still something i don't have the strength to accept.
the 'what if it happens tomorrow?" is always etched in my consciousness.

i used to wake up in the wee hours of the morning and steal downstairs in my dad's house to cuddle up on the couch with meowmeow.
i always knew that he won't be with me forever and i wanted to spend as much of my time with my furry one.
when we moved into our apartment, daddy meow used to have to go to the living room to 'collect' me from the couch where he would find either meowmeow or poppy sleeping on my belly or nestled cosily on my side.

when i first scooped meowmeow from the streets, he was this filthy, mite infested kitty.
when i dropped him off the pet shop for grooming, the groomer carried him to the room but stopped short to turn around and motion "say goodbye to mummy" using meowmeow's right paw to signal the bye bye sign to me.
that's when it hit me : i am a mummy.
now i feel and understand why mums are always worried about their children.
fur or no fur.
it's that basic instinct that guides us to protect, nourish and love unconditionally.
i became mummy meow that day.

i remember when i drove away from my regular vet's clinic last week, feeling all depressed because he did not display the traits of a caring vet, I turned to poppy who was on the passenger seat in his cage and said softly "don't worry pops, mummy won't give up on you".
and i won't.

in sadness comes displays of kind human gestures.
thank you to all who had dropped a message with kind words of encouragement.
i am sorry if ever my journal made anyone sad or depressed.
cos the past few entries were written at the lowest hour, when i felt the most broken.

but it's getting better now.
sometimes i wonder if not knowing is better or knowing and coping with the knowledge is better.
i guess when you know, you are able to take precaution.
but you always feel like there is a time bomb somewhere, waiting to explode.
a fact that i cannot circumvent. it gnaws into my head and festers itself like a dark cloud over me.

still.

i think it's always better knowing despite the sadness.