musings

after poppy's being diagnosed with CRF, i had spent days crying.
and then i had to go to work the next day with swollen, heavy eyes.
then as days went by and i got more information about CRF, the tears reduced a little.
i am back to a semblance of my usual self, but also, it's mostly work that dilutes my sadness.

basically, as helen writes in her CRF website, nothing about your cat has changed after the vet's visit - all that's changed is your perception.
it's true - poppy's still the same cat, bumbling and lovable.
what's changed is the owner - me.
it's how i look at poppy now. and even meowmeow.
every little pat, every little belly rub now seems more significant and i treasure every wet nose kiss, every head butt and every belly exposing episodes.
but it is also the every little bits that i treasure bring a little sharp stab of pain stemming from the acute awareness that one day it might all be taken away from me.
someone said that it's going to happen one day anyway, unless, well, if i get banged by a car tomorrow and i go first.
but it's still something i don't have the strength to accept.
the 'what if it happens tomorrow?" is always etched in my consciousness.

i used to wake up in the wee hours of the morning and steal downstairs in my dad's house to cuddle up on the couch with meowmeow.
i always knew that he won't be with me forever and i wanted to spend as much of my time with my furry one.
when we moved into our apartment, daddy meow used to have to go to the living room to 'collect' me from the couch where he would find either meowmeow or poppy sleeping on my belly or nestled cosily on my side.

when i first scooped meowmeow from the streets, he was this filthy, mite infested kitty.
when i dropped him off the pet shop for grooming, the groomer carried him to the room but stopped short to turn around and motion "say goodbye to mummy" using meowmeow's right paw to signal the bye bye sign to me.
that's when it hit me : i am a mummy.
now i feel and understand why mums are always worried about their children.
fur or no fur.
it's that basic instinct that guides us to protect, nourish and love unconditionally.
i became mummy meow that day.

i remember when i drove away from my regular vet's clinic last week, feeling all depressed because he did not display the traits of a caring vet, I turned to poppy who was on the passenger seat in his cage and said softly "don't worry pops, mummy won't give up on you".
and i won't.

in sadness comes displays of kind human gestures.
thank you to all who had dropped a message with kind words of encouragement.
i am sorry if ever my journal made anyone sad or depressed.
cos the past few entries were written at the lowest hour, when i felt the most broken.

but it's getting better now.
sometimes i wonder if not knowing is better or knowing and coping with the knowledge is better.
i guess when you know, you are able to take precaution.
but you always feel like there is a time bomb somewhere, waiting to explode.
a fact that i cannot circumvent. it gnaws into my head and festers itself like a dark cloud over me.

still.

i think it's always better knowing despite the sadness.

My decision

After seeing quite a number of vets, I finally settled on the one nearest to my house.

The decision is not to operate.
The odds of failure are too high.
Vets who I have spoken with says it's too big of a risk.
One even said if it's bladder stones, it's no problemo - but not kidney stones.

I decided to re-visit the usual vet i go to last week which led to the reason why I chose another vet closer to my house.
Apparently this is quite a well known doctor in the veterinary community.
Whose staff had been treating Poppy since baby.
It is one of his vet who told me that I should operate but told me that Poppy may die.
But also told me that if i didn't operate, he only has a few months to live.
And no other information.
Which prompted me to seek many 2nd opinions from other vets.
Last Thursday, I went back to my vet but insisted I speak to the famous dr whose name is plastered on his clinic's signboard.
He looked at Poppy's x-rays.
And then he said in his 30 years, he has never seen a cat with such a kidney condition.
And that he has never treated a cat with kidney stones.
And then looked at me.
The whole consultation went like this : I asked him and he answered me one or two words.
If i didn't ask him, he would just stare at me.
Like as though he was waiting for me to ask.
In fact, whatever questions I asked him was based on my previous knowledge gathered from other vets' opinion and I was asking him on all the possibilities, treatments, diet...etc..
And he answered but offered nothing else.
At one point, I told him "Look, I am not learning anything from you...could you please tell me more?"
And then he just looked at me.
I felt like it was such a waste of time.
I am a normal person. I don't know vet stuff. But here I am, asking and talking about BUN and Creatinine and diet food and all he just did was answered one or two words and no further addition to that.
It was as though he was waiting for me to lead him with my questions and that's it.
No further insights, nothing.
It was frustrating. Even annoying to a point.
There could be more things I wouldn't know about and I couldn't lead the consultation by asking them cos I wouldn't know what to ask.
I kept asking him what is the next step.
And that took him a while to tell me.
He didn't even want to look at Poppy's ultrasound.
He just said, Poppy's an abnormal cat - buck tooth, signs of cataract, kidney stones.
And charged me consultation fees for his zero consultation.

It was raining when I left his clinic with Poppy.
Each droplet which fell on me felt so punishing, like needles.
That was the moment I decided, he will no longer be my vet.
I droved to the vet closest to my house and walked in with Poppy.
I was tired, without makeup, teary and wet from the rain. I went up to the vet and asked him "My cat has kidney stones. Are you willing to help me? If yes, I will stick with you".
He said yes. And he was willing to listen and give advice.
And that was it.
That's how I made my decision on who I want to help me with Poppy.

I believe now that the majority opinion is to avoid operation, I don't need a vet with 30 years of experience but none so in treating feline kidney stones.
Cos we now have accepted the fact that it will be a diet management.
To inhibit the growth of the stones to ensure that Poppy live as long as he can comfortably.
To do so, from what I have learned, it will be regular trips to the vet for bloodwork, urine tests, etc to monitor his kidneys.
And at later stage (which I pray won't come), I might need to bring Poppy weekly to the vet for treatments.
I have learned this from reading Tanya's site.

This has lead to my decision to go to a vet nearest to my house.
It's like 2 minutes away.
I do this to ensure that if ever there is an emergency, I am able to get Poppy to the vet as fast as possible.
But also, choosing a close by vet helps to lessen Poppy's stress on travelling. Cos he will be doing a lot of that.
And I believe, a vet who is more caring will be able to help Poppy more than a 30 year experienced vet who has an ego the size of a..... and has zero experience on feline kidney stones. And zero consultation skills.

Sorry for the vet bashing here but I do have a right to speak my mind.

Poppy's fine but there are signs of changes in personality.
But he still chases MeowMeow around and enjoys a good grooming session.

He is now in good hands.

CRF

3 days and still no news from the vet on Poppy's urine test.

Y told me that god needs Poppy more than me.
That's why he's going to take Poppy away earlier than usual.
Because Chronic Renal Failure (CRF) is more prevalent to older cats.
Poppy's 4 years old only.
I have been searching for answers without even realizing that crucial answers are in front of me.
In the form of my colleague.
She has had a cat who passed away from CRF.
Till the day he died, he was a fat orange cat, very pampered and well loved.
I cried the day she texted me and told me that Ommi passed away and how he looked so peaceful.
I would cry for all animals.
Once I feel stronger, I would talk to her.

But for now, I found a bit of solace in Helen's website on CRF.
http://www.felinecrf.org
It's so informative, it is a wonder why I did not find this site earlier.
Helen lost her two cats, Tanya and Thomas to CRF and has dedicated her time to publish this site that is so informative, it makes your head spin.
And she is not a vet. Just a person who loved and lost 2 cats and wanted to help others by writing about her experience and all the knowledge she has gathered over the years, coping with CRF.
I find the part on Success Stories being the most inspiring.
http://www.felinecrf.org/success_stories.htm
It gave me a sliver of hope that maybe it is not going to be so bad afterall....
Maybe. No one knows.
But knowledge is power and the more I understand about the situation, the more I am able to cope and possibly allow Poppy to live longer, as comfortably as he can.
The most inspiring stories are the ones that the vet would say that there is no hope and there is only a week left but the cat went on and live for 3 - 5 years.
One was diagnosed at the age of 16 but lived till 22.
So, there is hope.
Just because someone says Poppy won't be around for long, I should not just resign to the idea that he's going to go soon.
But of course it doesn't stop me from feeling sad and tearful.

If Poppy's willing to fight, I will too.
God is not going to take him away from this mummy so easily.
Cos I need Poppy more.
Never underestimate the love of a mom for her baby.
The worst thing someone could say to me is that it's ok, I still have MeowMeow.
Both are just as precious.
I mean, you won't say that to a person if she was going to lose one of her human baby right - it's ok, you still have your other child.
Like what Tybalt said, just because my baby has paws and fur, it doesn't make him less important.
I fought tooth and nail to nurse MeowMeow back to health from his car accident.
3 months of visiting him at the vet almost everyday, talking, stroking him to bring his spirit up.
Another 3 -4 months nursing him at home, spoon feeding him wet food everyday and cleaning up after him.
All the while coping with a demanding career and the exhaustion of it all.
If the vet could, he would have chopped off MeowMeow's leg as it was just hanging there, held by a few pieces of muscle.
Vets could sometimes be wrong.
MeowMeow had a successful surgery and beat all odds - he can jump, run, even scratch his itchy neck with his 'broken' leg.

Now, I will fight for Poppy.
I will not give up until the day I need to.

Even if it means I have to wake up earlier to tend to Poppy, or sleep later, by all means.
Even if it means going to the vet almost every week, so be it.
Even if it means I look like shit with my tired face - bring it on.
So god, I won't let u have Poppy without a fight.

For those who want to know more on CRF, please visit Helen's site.
Knowledge is power.

Time

Today's visit to the vet and urine sample did not give good results.
The vet said I won't have Poppy for long.
And that operation is not a good option.
So, what I am gonna do is to go back to my original vet for another consult.
This weekend.
If he says the same thing, i would go to another vet.
If that one says the same thing, then it is god's will to take Poppy away.
The unfair thing is that Poppy's only 4 years old.
All i need to do is then to focus on the positive side and stop feeling sad and miserable.
At least I still have Poppy around and knowing this, would be able to spend more time with the furry one.
I don't think anyone could cheer me up right now, perhaps the best is to feel really sad and then it will pass and one can go on to focus on the more positive side of things like making the best of our remaining time with Poppy.
Like BL says, it's like his damaged car. He feels the pain too seeing it damaged cos it's brand new.
I don't think it's the same but I guess this is the best emphathy i could get from a non pet owner.
No, I am not complaining about BL - so please don't start criticising me, brother.
What he said did make me think a bit- people around me won't understand how i feel, so eventually i have to tough up and dry my tears.
Cos i don't think going to work with red eyes and sad face would inspire them. I have to lead a team of 6 people and look after another 2 later on, so, I guess I can't act sad in front of them.
But some days I wish I could be just me. I have always looked out after people, now it's time to think about myself a bit.
Once all my presentations are over in Nov, I will take time off to be with Poppy.
That's my time off.

Perhaps there's still some hope left.
When u love something so much, u want to believe that there is still some hope left despite the bleak results.
I don't have children at present, so all my love is channeled to my cats. I don't have anything else to distract me from my sadness.
Knowing that i am going to eventually lose one of them at such early age is a pain that I cannot bear.
A thought crossed my mind today - thank god I bought Poppy from the pet shop.
Cos i believe he is better off with me than another owner.
Even though the sadness I feel now is unbearable, I will never regret the fact I bought Poppy and he's part of my life.
And that i get to love him and give him as much as i could before he goes.

There is still some time left.
Poppy's fiesty, so perhaps there is more than a few months.
I hope for at least a year.

For cat lovers, my simple advice is : do x-rays once a year, blood and urine test at least every 2 months. Kidney failure is always detected very last minute, when the cat is in a bad stage already, hence that is why so many vets don't have the experience of operating on kidneys because there is no chance.

A bit of hope

Being away for work is the hardest.

3 days away from my cats seemed like eternity.
Especially when i constantly worry about Poppy and if daddy meow would remember to give the cats fresh water and scoop the litter tray every day.
Am glad to be home now.
Poppy's doing fine.
We've completely changed his diet to Royal Canin Renal as recommended by my vet.
And we've also bought the c/d diet from Royal Canin which specifically claims to be able to dissolve certain stones in the kidneys.
But at this point, we don't know what type of stones Poppy has.
The ultrasound shows that both kidneys have stones.
One kidney has a huge stone but is functioning better than the other kidney which has less stones.
I have learnt so much over the past week.
That feline kidney stones are not as common as one may think.
First thing the vet will ask if it's bladder stones or kidney stones.
I would definitely not hesitate to let Poppy go for operation if it's bladder stones.
But for kidney stones, it's another thing altogether.
The risks are way much higher.
That's why the vet today gave me some hope.
He said it's better to do more tests first instead of saying 'you must do the operation or the cat will die'.
Poppy's so far had 2 x-rays and an ultrasound.
Next test would be to get urine and blood samples to determine the type of stones in order to ascertain if operation is needed or not.
The most the vet can say is that if the kitty is still running, jumping and eating normally, don't do the operation yet.
It is always more advisable to get more tests running and learn about the type of stones before doing opting for surgery.
What made my heart sank a bit today though, was that the vet said the failure rate of operating on kidneys are high.
Operation may go well but the cat may not be able to cope post operation due to infection, leakage, kidney failure, etc.
But what brought my hope up was that the vet did say it may be possible for Poppy to live a normal life with the stones, and that we control it via diet. And maybe some minor ones may eventually dissolve in time to come.
Who knows?
Nobody does.
But at least it is a small ray of light shinning through my dark clouds today.
For me, i love my cats too much and i am not good at dealing with grief.
When MeowMeow was knocked by a car and went missing for one week, i remembered i cried every day till the day he came back.

Anyway, there is still hope.
At least Poppy's still himself. Naughty and so unsuspecting.

I have KC and ML to thank for posting my story up on Cat's Blogosphere that gave me quite a few good comments which i have taken note of.

And i am very grateful for all the comments - the purrs, advice, experiences that cat lovers have left here. It helped me form my questions to the vet. Thank you so much, it meant a lot to me.

And of course, Sharlene and Ellen who gave me really great vet contacts which i have visited and will be visiting soon. Thank you so much.

At times like this, it is always nice to know that there are so many animal lovers out there who are willing to help by offering a piece of advice and a purr.

I will have to make my decision soon. One more vet to see.

Here's Poppy eating his c/d wet diet. MeowMeow gets to eat too.


And here's Poppy being spoon fed his c/d diet.I reheated his food one day and when he refused to eat it, i spooned some and blew on it to cool it down and then fed it to Poppy. After that, the naughty refuses to eat from the bowl, preferring to be spoon fed. Cats are smart.

Precious Poppy

Poppy had an ultrasound today so that we can look at the stones in his kidneys to determine the next course of action.
They have to shave off his belly fur to do the ultrasound.
Poppy has no belly fur now.
It's quite weird, seeing his tummy all exposed.
This little bit of whitish, pinkish skin, sorta like a lizard's tummy.
Prognosis was not good.
All i could remember is how emotionless the vet was while he drone on and on about the ramifications of the entire thing.
I could never be a vet. Cos I could never maintain that poker, emotionless face while talking to patients. I cry too easily.
Suddenly, all those months of watching Grey's Anatomy made sense.
Doing an operation doesn't always guarantee success.
It's a 50-50 gamble.
If i let them cut, Poppy may die from the complications during or post surgery.
He may die this month if I let the vet do it.
If I don't let them cut, Poppy will eventually also die. But that may be a year or more.
My main aim is to keep him with me as long as I can.
That's the hardest part now - to operate and let him struggle to survive or not to operate and let him live happily till the day he goes.

I don't feel like going into the details in this journal.
Not today anyway.
Not for a while.

I never would have thought my cockeyed optimist, happy go lucky, bumbling court jester would have such a serious problem.
Cos he looks so unaffected, so lively still, despite a shaved belly.
I don't know what to do as I still need to see a few more vets.

What am i waiting for?
Perhaps for someone to tell me that it's possible to get rid of kidney stones without cutting up Poppy.
Or that there is some form of non-traditional cure like prayers that could magically dissolve the stones in both kidneys.
Or that it is possible to have such huge stones in kidneys but still live a normal life without complications.

I don't know how much time i have left. Who knows?
All i know is, Poppy's still well and I want to spend as much time with him as i can.

Wordless Wednesday : I have no head

Please read Katz Tales and go to Bangsar Village Shopping Centre 1 this Saturday...might drop by...eh, daddy meow?